Why was I so invested in this relationship?

The answer lies in what psychologists call trauma bonding. The original definition was developed by James R. Allen, Christine Courtois, and Bessel van der Kolk in 1988.

It is defined as a strong emotional attachment between the victim and the offender that develops from repeated cycles of abuse during which restraint is used to coerce cooperation or compliance (bondage).

More recently, it has been reformulated by Sue Johnson (author of Hold Me Tight) to describe how couples become so attached that they cannot effectively separate from each other.

This occurs due to anxiety about threats to attachment bonds between two people (often spouses), after divorce, for example.

In traumatic bonding, there is also an unhealthy cycle where you fear your partner will abandon you, yet hope they will return after they leave.

The narcissist isn’t going to change.

If you’re getting divorced or leaving a relationship with someone abusive, you must understand that as long as that person is in your life, your trauma bond will remain.

If you’re a survivor of abuse or have gone through trauma, it is essential to realise that staying in contact with an abusive partner will only prolong your suffering.

You may not be able to break away wholly and immediately, but you can set limits on what you will and won’t do.

For example, if he refuses counselling, then stop talking with him until he agrees to get help if she continues contacting you despite your request for her not to, stop answering her calls and telling her when she can call again.

Read more: How to Deal with Jealousy – When Your Ex Moves On

Why did it take me so long?

For many victims, leaving or divorcing an abusive partner is not easy. They’re emotionally investing in their partner and find it difficult to separate themselves from them.

A lack of outside support often compounds this sense of investment. Victims may stay in an abusive relationship because they believe it’s too risky for them to leave.

Victims may also feel dependent on their partners for practical reasons, such as help with daily responsibilities or financial issues.

Some victims remain with their abusers because they are afraid that no one else will want them. Because these partners have abused them so thoroughly and over such an extended period. Victims may be convinced that no one else would love them either way.

You can heal!

And here’s another big one: it’s all going to be OK. Whatever you’re experiencing now is only temporary. All trauma is transitory—it may feel like it will last forever, but it won’t.

This truth has been hard for me because I once believed I would never be free from my abusive ex.

It was easy for me to forget that we were divorced. When every painful detail came flooding back as soon as his name was mentioned, but like all relationships with narcissists, divorce can also be liberating if you go at it from a healthy place.

Make conscious decisions about how you want your life to unfold moving forward.

Healing time varies based on how long you were in the relationship
If you only dated for a short time and it was just one incident, you will likely heal quickly.

However, if you were in an ongoing relationship for several years, multiple incidents of abuse, then it could take longer because those are deeper wounds that need more time to heal.

Everyone has their pain threshold and, therefore, different healing times. Keep in mind that if your relationship was toxic and painful enough that you left or ended things.

Then your healing process began when you made that decision. The most important thing is reaching out for support. That way, you don’t feel alone on your journey toward moving on with your life free from trauma.