Dos and Don't of Communicating with Your Ex

The Dos and Don’t of Communicating with Your Ex

Divorce can be a difficult and trying time, especially if you and your ex still have to communicate about important matters such as child care or property distribution. If you want to make the most of these interactions, here are some dos and don’ts for communicating with your ex.


Do communicate

Face-to-face, via email, a phone call—communication is key in order to have any kind of relationship with your ex. You don’t have to be best friends, but try and communicate.


You might be surprised how much it helps you both get on track. If your ex is truly evil (you probably won’t know until you go through a divorce), then avoid communicating as much as possible—especially if they want nothing to do with you or vice versa.


Do respond positively when they reach out to you

Although it’s natural to be angry when an ex-spouse reaches out to you, try not to let that anger out. Respond positively to any overtures from your ex.


An unkind response will only serve to put distance between you and your former partner. Think about it from their perspective—if someone was hurtful during a divorce, wouldn’t you want them to respond differently?


Get to know more about How to Save Your Marriage After Your Wife Asks for a Divorce


Don’t be spiteful

In an ideal world, you’d both be mature adults who can sit down over coffee for an hour or two every few weeks to have a civil conversation about your kids, finances, and property. But let’s face it: You likely don’t live in an ideal world. It may sound clichéd, but remember that you are divorcing because you no longer love each other.


Don’t blame them

Blaming your ex for mistakes they made during your marriage will only bring you down. Instead, try accepting responsibility for things you may have done wrong or made difficult during your relationship.


You’ll be able to separate yourself from all the arguments that led to a breakup and accept that people grow apart. Once you do that, it’ll become easier to understand why things happened how they did and get on with healing.


Use I statements and stick to the present

When talking to your ex, always frame your thoughts in I statements. It’s easy to say things like You never listen to me! or You never support me! but these statements are blanket statements that aren’t conducive to finding a solution.


Frame your points in I-statements instead: I feel hurt when you don’t listen to my ideas, because I feel like I can’t share my thoughts with you.



Ultimately, deciding whether or not to talk to your ex about certain matters is totally up to you.


The best thing you can do for yourself (and your relationship) is to remain in contact with one another—but that doesn’t mean you need to be in contact all day, every day.