1.1. 17 Tips You Need to Know: Pre & Post Divorce

When going through a divorce, men need to know a number of different things they can expect to look out for. I wish we could make this process as smooth and easy for every single man going through a divorce on the planet. Below are the 17 Tips that I have personally put together, tricks of the trade if you will.

1. Bitterness

If you see your wife with another man, it will be hard at first. You need to separate the breaking up/ detaching process from the divorce process. Don’t wait till your divorce is final to give yourself permission to get over her.

2. Communication

Only ask questions that you need answers to. If you dig deep into your wife’s situation, whereabouts or movements then you will be on an emotional rollercoaster that you won’t be able to control. Whatever you say to your children will make its way back to your wife so make sure you filter out what they hear.

3. Presence

Decide when you need to be present during the divorce process. Do your kids have a school play you need to be present for? Yes! But this doesn’t mean you need to message your Wife for her birthday or put yourself in an awkward position at her birthday dinner where you get blindsided about her new boyfriend.

4. Control

For most men, this will be the first time they have ever gone through the divorce process. If this is the case then don’t try and control the situation as a whole. The process will take as long as it takes to transpire, most likely 24 months. Let it happen, let your lawyer do his job, let your wife look after your kids without calling every time you see something on Facebook.

5. Lifestyle

Living alone and being a single dad will be something that you will need to go through mostly alone, it’s very common for men to lead lonely lives. Look for an apartment that doesn’t make you feel sad, tired and broken. If you need to drive past your old house to work every day then that perhaps isn’t a healthy way to detach from your old life.

6. Setting an Example

Divorce is 50% which means half of all families will go through this. That means if you have children then there is a good chance one of them will need to know how to leave bad relationships or marriages in the future. If you make this as seamless as possible and show them how to act and be during these times then that is the best thing you can leave them with in the future. If you make it traumatizing then they will put it off and stay in bad marriages when they are older.

7. Mental Health – Personal Therapist

I wish I could give you something juicy, some sort of magic pill that will solve this issue but it will just be something that is ongoing. The average man only knows 3-4 people and only 1 of them will give them more than 30 minutes or more. What you need is a foundation that you can look forward to dumping everything on weekly – that is the best investment.

8. Children’s Perspective

As you go through your Divorce your children will see it differently, perhaps they will talk to you but chances are they won’t. Sometimes it’s better to have someone who will be a solid foundation for them over the next 24 months. It becomes impossible for two parents going through divorce to offer the emotional stability that children require.

9. Sex & Intimacy

Here’s one thing that most men will come to realize, the grass isn’t greener, and females are harder to come by. If you are planning on meeting someone through a dating app then be prepared to be disappointed. You are better to put your energy into meeting someone in the real world, becoming friends and getting to know them rather than trying to fill a void, feeling empty and then leaving in some sort of regret.

10. Get a Backbone

Don’t agree to things that you don’t agree to. If your wife has full custody and tries to get you to pick up your children last minute then say what you feel, if you can’t – say no. You need to learn how to tell people “No” otherwise you will be constantly pushed around feeling used with no voice.

11. Don’t be so Moral

I have worked with men from all over the world and something I have heard quite frequently is men talking about how they will just give their partner the house and money for their kids. This is wrong, don’t do things just because they are morally right – at the end of your divorce you will get the bad end of the stick and it’ll take you 10 years to get back on your feet.

12. Favours will be Forgotten

Lets say your wife’s car breaks down and she asks you for money to fix it so she can drop the kids off to you, that’s not your responsibility. The amount of men going through a divorce I have worked with who would just spend thousands to fix their wife’s car is astonishing. The worst part, she’ll use that same car to go off and date other men that very night – she’s happy to use your money so she can see her new man on your dime.

13. Diet

Your diet will change because you’ll now eat for convenience rather than on time, prepared, cleaned and to a certain standard. You should also look at staying away from comfort eating, this will get out of hand if you get into a routine of stopping at a fast food place on the way home from work for dinner. Although cooking and cleaning is the last thing you want to do, you should look at a simple low-carb/ calorie meal that takes little preparation. I would recommend getting an air fryer.

14. Mutual Friends

This is a part of the divorce you need to keep an eye on. Consider everything you do and say will go back to your ex, if privacy is something you are looking for then perhaps stay clear of mutual friends. It’s quite common for friends of a couple to have split opinions or loyalty, I wouldn’t take my chances on this.

15. Get a Dog

Coming home to someone or something that looks forward to seeing you at the end of the day is one of the best feelings. The sad reality of any divorce is coming home to a cold, empty household. Dogs keep you busy, are great companions, cheer you up, get you out of the house and give you a chance to be social at places like the local dog park.

16. Get a Folder

You will have a tonne of paperwork, invoices, screenshot printouts, receipts, letters, court documents and more. It’s best to be fully transparent with the process from start to finish. If a Lawyer asks you for screenshot photos of her threatening you from 2 years ago, you need to be able to get that super quick to save yourself time, money and failure.

17. Dwelling

Telling people what you used to have and bringing it all up when you start dating again is ugly and unattractive to someone coming into your situation. If you live in the reality of split milk then you will always find a way to get yourself back to that feeling because its easy to feel something. I get my clients to start saying “If not this then something better”.